getting real

Happy Halloween! This has got to my favorite holiday of the year, probably because it falls within a season where the mountains are splashed with color and the shorn fields stretch out in stripes dotted with pumpkins and the crescent moon cuts like a scythe reaping a harvest of stars from a midnight indigo sky.

This time of year is when my life seems to complete full rotation on it's axis, when things revolve and evolve in such a way that it feels like some force beyond my will--though not contrary to it--is at work.

When I look back over my life, the most radical shifts in consciousness, in being, seem to reach some sort of critical mass on All Hallow's Eve, and though I've had more florid transitions than that which I'm experiencing now, this year is no exception. Mysterious ways.

I've been less than honest with myself. This much is clear. And I regret. I regret because you can't fail to deceive yourself without deceiving others and wreaking havoc in the lives of those close to you.

On some level, as much as I've tried to stay in integrity with my deeper self, I've been adhering to the designs of my ego, operating from a place of fear, and unconsciously recruiting agents of complicity.

This is, of course, all subtle stuff, nothing that any court of law could condemn me for, but having realized my tresspass, my own conscience indicts me, and I can't afford to luxuriate in self-serving guilt when it's clear I need to face the music.

I've been very anxious the past few days, trying to avoid thest things, even avoiding the cushion. I conveniently failed to attend this morning's dharma talk at Kanzeon, because I'm afraid of the starkness of what I'll witness when I sit still long enough to drop the distraction.

But even without the cushion, I do drop the distraction, and for the first time, things are looking pretty "clean," pretty naked, and I feel really vulnerable, like this is just too much exposure, too much pain.

So I experiment with the exposure, I run naked to trusted friends, noticing that even when I get square with myself, square with them, even when my little edifice of ego crumbles under the weight of confession and a torrent of tears, I still seem to be the same person, nothing is essentially different. It's still the same "me" watching from behind the scenes, now and then seemingly submerged under the flailing of an ego too afraid to drown.

leela said something today that struck me: We're all learning at each other's expense. It's something I've thought about so often, but she offered it to me at a moment and in a way that highlighted the bitter-sweet poignancy of the interpersonal dance and it's transformative potential. (Thank you for listening, leela, I love you.)

When I began this entry, I wasn't sure what would come out. This is, obviously, an uncharacteristically sober post, but I think it's particularly authentic, and authenticity is my call to arms right now.


To the person(s) I have harmed:

I am so sorry.
I've been lying to myself and to you
I was too afraid of the truth
So without realizing, without meaning to, I made up my own version
And offered it until you accepted.
I was trying to give you happiness
But I was also trying to protect myself
So my "gift" was actually a bargain
And thus a blasphemy.
You received a counterfeit
And when you suspected your forfeiture of authentic goods
I insisted you were mistaken, even paranoid
And shamed you for your insight.
You loved me freely
You gave me your heart
And I chastised you for not being satisfied with my mind
This was so unfair.
I saw from the beginning you were beautiful
I wanted that beauty
I was afraid to let it go
But it never rightfully belonged to me.
Forgive me for holding you
For denying you what is rightfully yours:
Someone truer than I have been
Who would not purchase their peace with your tears.
Such a one as yourself
Is worthy of the truth
I offer it to you now
And tell you once again,
I am so sorry.

travel log

Oh WOW, New Orleans was a culinary shangri-la, a gustatory paradise! I ate myself into the ground!

After checking into our fabulous hotel, Jonathan took me to Mr. B's for dinner. Rather than going my usual au naturel, I swanked out in a crimson dress with lots of lycra, full-on make-up, and lips to match. In the ladies room I was checking myself out in the mirror, waiting for a bathroom to free up, squinting in the f-ing light (flourescent light, to those of you who appreciate the lovely greenish cast it lends to an otherwise porcelain complexion) exclaiming aloud, "Ooh! I don't need to see myself with such unforgiving clarity! God! there's that renegade eyebrow I've been trying to erradicate for the past two days!" and backing away from my excessively illuminated reflection lest I be seized with a compulsion to excavate my little handbag in search of my trusty tweezers.

At this point, a very beautiful woman emerged from the bathroom stall, gave me a long look, and said, "You look absolutely amazing in your red dress, and you need to know that! You go out there and enjoy your fabulousness!" (For all of you stifling the urge to dry heave at what must appear to be shameless self-promotion and insufferable vanity, do restrain yourself from exiting my blog and allow me to finish.) ;)

Legitimate arguments about the accuracy of this woman's assessment aside, although the compliment was directed at something as inane as my appearance, it was so obviously sincere and delivered with such warmth and generosity that it just made my night, and not because my aeshetic merit (or lack thereof) means so much to me. In that moment, this woman and I totally bonded. She opened up her heart and gave me a gift, simple as it was, and I opened up my heart to receive it, and there was that "touching" and mutual delight in each other that went so beyond the superficiality of the actual compliment or the ego which it pleased--it was subtle, baby! (Never underestimate the power of giving or receiving a sincere compliment!)

Jon and I traipsed around Tulane amid the architectural grandeur and massive oak trees, noticing the students and being struck by how young they really were, and finding it that much easier to forgive the follies and foibles of our late teens and early twenties by realizing that we were still kids at that time of our lives.

At the conferral ceremony we attended, I got to meet a lot of Jon's former classmates and friends, as well as mingle with about three hundred School of Architecture alumni where I scanned people's posturing, listened to their laughter, and canvassed their countenances. It's amazing how a slight hunch in the shoulders, a squared hip, a tilted chin, or a hand tucked in a pocket can reveal so much. I'm particularly struck by the strains of laughter--how a discordant tone can betray harshness, grandiosity, malice, emnity, or indifference, and conversely, how more harmonious notes can bespeak openness, tolerance, humility, vitality, and amity.

But it's the countenance that interests me most, which inexorably draws my attention. Faces generally don't lie, and the nuances of visage, the almost inperceptible facets of expression, the faint curve of a lip, the slight slant of a eyebrow, the laxness of jaw, the directness of gaze, and most especially the subtler qualities transparent to a trained eye...these render character all but pellucid. I surveyed the crowd surrounding me and asked myself, if I were in trouble, if my life depended on finding a confidant and ally in this sea of strangers, if I were conducting a "blind trust test," who would I choose? As I began my theoretical selection of candidates, I looked across the room to Jonathan who was conversing animatedly with an old friend, and recognized the same unfailing kindness and care that I had seen in his eyes our first night together when I met his gaze over the nirvanic veggie burgers at Houston's. I felt such a rush of pride in a person whose virtues run deeper than most have vision to appreciate.

We attended a lecture given by an alumni absolutely awash in accolades for his editorship of what is the premier, most progressive architectural publication in print at this time (dammit, I can't remember his name, or the name of his magazine). His presentation was off the cuff and from the heart, movingly so, but what really swabbed my deck was his explicitly integrally-informed vision. The man fucking covered every quadrant, relating architecture to self, culture, and nature, elaborating on the aesthetics and psychology of design, relating this to social activism and the demand for decent housing and the call for community centers, and weaving these dimensions and mandates to the techno-economic structures and institutions whose responsibility it is to support and nuture those capable of realizing a unified, wholistic poeisis and praxis in the service of the good, the true, and the beautiful. I was inspired.

This holiday was the most pleasurable and poignant I've ever enjoyed, and it wouldn't have happened without Jonathan's unbelievable generosity. With the warmth, affection, and deep connection we shared, and between some of the most arrestingly gorgeous architecture in America, the stateliness of Saint Charles Avenue, the circus-like surrealism of the French Quarter, the cancan meets Larry Flynt bizarreness of Bourbon Street, the provincial charm of the crazy-quilt neighborhoods, the deliciously haunted gothic graveyards, the allure of the abandoned warehouses and crumbling tenements, the siren song of the Mississippi, and the aroma of creole spices and scent of voodoo wafting through the entire city, it was nothing short of magical. I think all of this is a memory I'll entertain from my deathbed. It was that beautiful.

the Big Easy and Dhakfu's Crib

Some separation! Come Wednesay, Jonathan and I are headed off to the most fantastically haunted city in America for some Halloween festivities and relationship fortification! (No, Phil, I did not say fornication, though I'm down with that as well.) ;)

It's so perfect that we're sharing this holiday together because in July Jon braved and bonded with the ENTIRE George fam (me, Mom, my six sisters, and our karmically blessed brother) in Goblin Valley, Dead Horse Point, Canyonlands, Zions, etc, which are my summer stomping grounds, so it's only fitting that I take flight to the Big Easy, since it's as dear to Jon's heart as any place on earth. (He graduated from Tulane with his master's in architecture and came of age in the Garden District in the shadow of plantation houses and gothic crypts and knows New Orleans' intricacies like the lines in my palm.)

I LOVE the haunted places, which is why I adore New Orleans, and also why I'm enthralled with southern Utah. New Orleans is haunted with the passage of Time and it's delicious decay, whereas southern Utah is haunted with the TimeLESS and the vast silence which only a place untouched by culture and it's constructions can possess. They're opposite ends of the spectrum, and I'm mad about both poles. (Oooooh! I'm so excited! Autumn's my favorite season, and Halloween's my favorite holiday, and it's just too scrumptious that I get to spend this time of year with my favorite person on the planet in the dark beauty of one of America's oldest outposts!)

Okay yall, nuff about New Orleans; cruise over to Dhakfu's crib and get a little taste of postconventional politics meets the Contraband-Culture Bodhisattva! (My little ditty on civil disobedience down at the bottom of the blog was inspired by the sentiments of such as Fuad, Zinn, Chomsky, and co, and no apologies to those of you who mistakenly confuse "integral" with "moderate.") ;)

Fuad offered his take on the debates and the feudal fanfare that passes for political process, and I couldn't resist but respond in kind:

So weary and teary of these pushers and powers behind the throne
citizens bling-bleary with bomb-fear who won't Mammon disown

Ivory towered, partisan animals
war dogs all, corporate whores, power-pimped cannibals

Labels and slogans, elephants, asses,
"free"-basing rhetoric, opiating the masses

Blood crusaders smoking crack, talking smack in the dockets
Defrock the motherfuckers, install the poets, priests, and prophets

Paging the sages spinning subversive
myth-making's inversive

Trump the Donald's extra-legal indemnity
Transcend the politics of identity
Embrace the Unborn Supremacy

We shall overcome


Peace out

integral outreach and souler flares

Wow, I'm so overwhelmed by everyone's support as expressed in the comments to my last entry! To those of you who responded--thank you immensely for your warmth and enthusiasm and integral outreach--it's fuel for my fire and amplifies my happiness and sense of excitement exponentially! (Big hug, everybody!)

I am ecstatic about all the new friends I've made in the past six months through the integral community! I spent the better part of my twenties in the most profound social isolation and debilitating anxiety, wondering if I was too irrevocably fucked up to enjoy a community of "normal" people. (To hell with the tyranny of the so-called "normal," right?) ;)

Just four years ago, when I initially moved to Florida with Jonathan and was confronted with the prospect of having to hold a job that entailed daily interface with dozens and dozens of people, I felt paralyzed. I remember crying and crying the night before my first day of work and expressing the irrational fear that others could discern my history just by looking me in the face, and how I couldn't bear the condemnation I was sure I would see reflected. (I was well aware that this belief was utterly irrational, but because the experiences underlying it had not been sufficiently addressed and metabolized, I was incapable of altering the perception in any deep, stable way.)

Shortly following the episode of employment paranoia, it was to my utter amazement that I discovered that by and large, people liked me. Absolutely none of what I anticipated came to pass; in fact, I found that I had absolutely no trouble getting along and connecting with anybody: gay, straight, black, white, rich, poor, shy, gregarious, liberal, conservative, old, young, educated, or illiterate. (Coming from a horrifyingly homogenous racial and socio-cultural environment--can you say blue-meme Crackerville meets uber affluent, neo-conservative enclave?--I almost expected that my naivete to any real-world diversity might manifest as interpersonal conflict and was pleased as postconventional pie when nothing of the sort materialized.) The freedom of gearing up for the social safari dressed in my natural personality and divested of crippling self-consciousness was sheer euphoria, and I relished the hunt for human contact and made up for lost time chatting up people in grocery lines, gas stations, dressing rooms, bank lobbies, and reception areas.

But I was still a FREAK (and no, I'm not talking about my finely honed fashion sense, or my bedroom behavior), because as many people as satellited my sphere, there were so few who I felt I could express and share my depth experience with and actually be understood by. It was like, I was so juiced about sharing the loooove, about finding something beautiful in everyone and offering them the gift of that reflection and bonding in the openness which was created between us, but if I wanted to dialogue about development, if I wanted to discuss Dzogchen, if I wanted to conversate about Krishnamurti, if I wanted to exchange about Emerson, if I wanted to address Integral and elaborate the AQAL model, if I wanted to marvel over the mystics...fugettaboutit! Beneath the colorfully undulating social-scape that had been so essential to stablizing certain interpersonal aspects of my conventional development, the depth connection was woefully lacking, and I became painfully intimate with the face of transpersonal social alienation, which reached a climax on Christmas Eve, 2003, when in an act of divine desperation I suscribed to Integral Naked.

I skulked behind the scenes for months and months before finally getting up the gumption to contribute my first post, and great balls of mystic fire! seven months later, to the day, the world is my integral oyster and subtle aphrodisiac! ;)

Since then, I've made so many heart-friends, established so many new connections, networked across the country and continent, and watched as my world has rubbed it's I's and yawned wide open to infinity as it continues to awake as this Dream which is arising like a shimmering mirage in my awareness.

I feel such a sense of joyful, exuberant anticipation as to where my karma might take me, and for those of you who are walking with me, lending your presence and passion and playfulness to my path, thank you with all my heart!

AQALuscious blessings on all beings!

it's official!

Well folks, it's official! Integral Naked's own Paul Salamone, who has been unfailingly supportive of my writing endeavors for months and who has been incredibly generous in negotiating a paid position with I-I on my behalf, came back to me via email this afternoon confirming I'm now being pimped by the most kick-ass integral site on the worldwide web. ;) It also appears I'll be working with Paul's pal Colin, producing some of the audio dialogues as well, so it seems I'm on to greener (or yellower, for all you Spiral Dynamics junkies) pastures.

Paul also relayed recently that he'd recommended me to eventually assume the position of IN's managing copy editor, which not only meant a lot to me personally (I have a lot of respect for Paul, so his opinion carries considerable weight) but really buoyed my confidence and fueled my dreams of working fulltime for Integral Institute. I'm not counting my chickens before they're hatched, but I am taking care to nurture my dreams.

Anyway, have I neglected to express how grateful and excited I am at the opportunities that are opening up for me and the possibilities that lay on the path ahead? I am! I am! I am!

my Rocky Road Realization

I have neglected my blog for too long! Looking at the lapse I feel a pang of guilt like I experience when I notice that one of my plants has began to wilt for lack of water!

The past week and a half has been so full--it's manifested as a mixture of incredibly coarse, abrasive, relative recognitions applied to the rough grain of my life, combined with the richest, creamiest, smoothest infusion of subtle energy--call it my Rocky Road Realization.

My darling Jon was out to visit me this last week (Sept 27th-30th) and it was a beautifully trying time. There were never two people who love each other more than we, and I'm happy just to be in his presence, but I felt like our currents were colliding, and for the first time, the fork in our path didn't induce panic in me.

Thursday night after I saw him off at the airport I phoned Integral Naked's own Miss Congeniality (Ashley Cooper) and a lot of subtle stuff shook out. At one point I began crying and expressing a deep sense of conflict coupled with an intuitive sense of how things in my relationship might unfold, and then contorted my mind into a fury of second guessing, saying, "But maybe I'm wrong, maybe I can't trust myself." I paused and she interjected, "Did you hear what you just did with your voice?"

Her question was a clarion call and a light flashed on when I realized that the moment I had begun to second guess myself that I had stopped crying (effectively obstructing the energy) and moved from an unhindered, integrated, soul-level apprehension to a dissociated, intellectual, contracted construction. This was a revelation to me, and and there was a powerful transparency to the constellation of my awareness which allowed me to see that it was not the frantic cognitive constructions of self-doubt but the spontaneous authenticity arising from my Deep awareness in the NOW that was ultimately more real and the foundation from which I could TRUST my experience as emanating from that beyond my egoic self.

When I was at Dharmapalooza in June I entertained a conversation with my dear friend Joe (godfather of the Atlanta Mafia) about some of the same issues I was addressing with Ashley. At that time I was also crying, and also second guessing myself, and Joe told me in no uncertain terms that I could trust my feelings (meaning my deeper experience taken as a whole and not merely the emotional component of such). My response was to respond, "Sure, I can trust my feelings, but as to whether they belong to the present or the past, I can't determine, so I'm in a state of constant confusion and can't rely on them to guide my action!" What I failed to see until the other night is that whether the feelings belong to the present or past is secondary to the fact they arise in the NOW, and thus constitute my IMMEDIATE, AUTHENTIC experience (unlike the perpetual mental machinations), an as such are the only reliable source from which to act.

Friday night Jonathan called me while I was on my way to the mall for a little retail therapy and asked me to articulate my thoughts on the fruits of our time together. I told him that I didn't feel able to at that moment, and would respond in a letter. I expressed myself to him in email as follows:

My perspective has widened to such a degree that I'm literally not even sure how to convey it, how to do it justice with words, and that's why when you asked me to speak about everything last night I literally felt unable to. Everything that's transpiring within my awareness is not linear, not even cyclical--it's like this living, breathing, omni-dimensional constellation of emerging insight and growing clarity--and I didn't feel like I could produce any accurate reflection of my interior process on demand. My experience is not monological, but dialectical; not black and white, but swirling, whirling, merging, melding vortexes of color; not static or stagnant, but in flux and flow; not either/or but both/and.

The gravity and scope of all of this was of a nature that though it took me some time to metabolize and translate in such a way that I felt like I really had my "bearings," and as usual my sagacious friend leela was the person most instrumental in this process. She has endured many a phone call where she's lent her presence while listening to me wander around in my own awareness, gently but directly steering me back to the clarity of my own immediate experience when I stray into the shadowlands of cognitive confusion. Thanks to her, I feel like I've reached a sort of critical mass in achieving objectification of those contents of awareness which only two weeks ago constituted the subject of such.

Needless to say, in relation to negotiating the relative realm, these realizations have proved profoundly freeing, and it's been amazing to watch my world literally fall wide open to reveal a fertile valley of soul-soil that's nuturing the dreams and desires that are emerging from it.

It's now a week later, and early this evening I returned from work to messages to call Jonathan as soon as possible. I phoned and we connected and he told me how he'd been to his psychotherapy appointment and had realized that he was simply exhausted and--here he began to qualify by expressing his love and stating he wasn't leaving me and didn't intend to date other people--needed to take a break from our relationship for an indefinite amount of time.

As unsettling as his news was, I felt such a sense of "rightness" about it, such a sense of relief, tinged with a faint outline of sadness, arising within a field of trust in the kosmos. I told him that I was concerned with two things at this time: Being true to myself and supporting him as he did the same to those ends which furthered and fostered his greatest happiness, regardless of whether they conflicted with my own desires. I told him that I was sending him off with my complete support, and that I wanted him to be totally open to whatever he discovered in the space of our separation, and that I was with him in Spirit. We expressed our deep love for each other and hung up the phone.

Minutes later, a week from our previous conversation, I was back in touch with Ashley, and our dialogue was a two-hour supernova of insight, communion, and exploration. I had a very marked sense that our dialogue was amazingly auspicious in terms of setting the tone and rythym for what's around the bend with Jonathan and I, and for as much pain as this path may bring, I feel that we've both embarked on an adventure which will find us realizing our Heart's deepest desire.

To anyone who's shared this chapter of my story with me, thank you for your presence.